Boarding schools have long been romanticized in books, films, and theatre—think Harry Potter, Malory Towers, or Wicked. They are often depicted as places of adventure, playful mischief, and midnight feasts.
Alongside this, society upholds the belief that boarding school is a privilege, a gateway to success.
But the reality is often far more complex. Many former boarders carry experiences that are difficult to acknowledge, even to themselves.
Growing up in a boarding school can shape a child’s emotional world in profound ways. Often what is described as “homesickness” is actually a deep sense of loss, feelings of abandonment, and confusion.
A child may feel loved by their parents yet struggle to understand why they were sent away. There can be a lasting grief—for home, parents, siblings, pets, and all things familiar and comforting.
To cope, children learn to adapt quickly. Some conform to the rigid rules of boarding life, while others take on the role of the joker—always entertaining to mask their feelings—or rebel against authority in any way they can.
One of the first lessons many boarders learn is to suppress emotions—eventually, they may even lose touch with them altogether.
The cycle of moving between school and home for holidays or weekends can create a sense of dislocation, leaving them questioning where they truly belong.
For some, experiences of bullying or abuse make it difficult to trust others, leaving them hypervigilant about who is safe and who is not. And because boarding is a 24/7 experience, there is no true respite—no nurturing parent at the end of the school day, no sanctuary from the pressures of boarding life.
Psychotherapist Joy Schaverien first described Boarding School Syndrome to explain the hidden trauma that can result from boarding school life.
Do any of these resonate with you?
✔ Do you bury yourself in work, staying constantly busy to avoid stillness?
✔ Do you struggle to relax or switch off?
✔ Does emotional intimacy make you anxious—or something you tend to avoid?
✔ Do you find it difficult to express your true feelings?
✔ Do you agree with others even when you secretly disagree?
✔ Do you fear being unlovable?
✔ Do you feel like an imposter, waiting to be “found out”?
✔ Have you spent your life in institutions—school, university, military, corporate environments?
✔ Do you have a complicated relationship with authority?
✔ Do you avoid conflict, choosing silent resentment or quiet rebellion instead?
✔ Do you struggle with addictions—alcohol, work, food, exercise, or something else?
✔ Do you find relationships challenging, constantly oscillating between closeness and distance?
✔ Do you struggle with parenting, uncertain of what’s expected or needed from you?
✔ Do you find it hard to trust people?
✔ Do you long for a deeper connection with your parents or siblings?
✔ Do you feel like you don’t truly belong anywhere?
✔ Do certain times of the year—Sundays, packing, transitions—trigger difficult feelings?
✔ Do you find it hard to experience joy, peace, or contentment?
✔ Do you struggle to sleep or experience chronic stress?
✔ Do you suppress your emotions, unsure of how to express them?
✔ Do you have difficulty accepting your sexuality or feeling comfortable in your own skin?
✔ Do you feel disconnected from your own needs and desires?
This is not an exhaustive list—you may recognize just a few of these patterns or many. Every experience is personal, and each person’s response to boarding school is different.
Much of what has been written about boarding school trauma focuses on the male experience. While every individual’s story is unique, there are often common patterns:
Many male ex-boarders learn to distrust emotions, becoming deeply uncomfortable with vulnerability.
Women, while also affected by emotional suppression, may struggle more with their relationship with food, their bodies, or their femininity.
These differences may manifest in adulthood, shaping how former boarders engage in relationships, work, and self-care
Therapy offers a space to explore your boarding school experience with curiosity and compassion, helping you move from surviving to thriving.
✔ Connecting the Dots – Understanding where certain behaviors and patterns stem from, recognizing how they once served you but may no longer be helpful.
✔ Building Safer Relationships – Feeling more secure with yourself and others.
✔ Reclaiming Your Emotional World – Moving past the fear of “breaking the code” of silence around your childhood.
✔ Healing Without Shame – Learning to acknowledge and express emotions without guilt or self-judgment.
Many ex-boarders struggle with the idea of speaking about their experiences—some fear it’s disloyal, others worry about opening up painful memories. But therapy provides a safe, confidential space to gently explore these feelings, helping you process your past so it no longer controls your present.
I have worked with ex-boarders, their partners, and their families to help them navigate these challenges and find a new sense of connection and belonging.
I’m Sarah, a therapist specializing in the unique experiences of ex-boarders. I understand these challenges firsthand—I was sent to boarding school at age 11, following in the footsteps of my father and brother.
For years, I struggled to acknowledge how boarding had shaped my life. Through my own therapy and participation in survivor workshops, I was able to begin my journey of healing, reconnecting with my emotions, and finding my own sense of belonging.
My personal experiences, combined with years of working with ex-boarders, inspired me to specialize in this area. I have completed a Diploma in Specialist Psychotherapy with Ex-Boarders with Nick Duffell, a pioneer in understanding the psychological impact of boarding school. I continue to learn from and collaborate with experts in this field to deepen my practice.
If you’re ready to explore your boarding school experience in a safe and supportive space, I’m here to help.
You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
I would love to meet you for an introductory call (either by phone or by zoom). Typically these last around 20 minutes and are an opportunity for us to get to know each other, for you can ask any questions you might have and for us to see if the way that I work is a good fit for you.
There is no obligation start therapy with me but if we do both feel that we would work well together and our diaries match up, we can arrange our first session together.
