When silence feels safer: Why it’s so hard to talk about Boarding School
I’m often asked why talking about boarding school is so hard. Why does silence feel safer than talking?
I regularly meet people who have rarely talked about their boarding school days with the people they share their lives with.
Others have shared funny stories, sometimes with overtones of ‘it never did me any harm’ or ‘it was the making of me’.
Talking about growing up in a boarding school environment, away from family, friends, home and pets, can be very difficult. There are many reasons why this is.
1. Breaking the Code
Most boarding schools have a set of rules or a code, often unspoken, that children quickly learn to follow. One such rule is that life at school is not to be shared fully. Or a positive twist has to be placed on things. This might be reinforced by letters home being read by staff before posting or strict suggestions about what can be included.
Add to this, being seen as a ‘dobber’ or a ‘snitch’ leads to punishment by contemporaries, whether that be physically or verbally or by being excluded. And so the boarder child learns to keep quiet.
Keeping quiet can extend into adulthood. In his book, The Making of Them, Nick Duffell talks about the fear of speaking out or being labelled as one of ‘life’s failures’ creates a situation where many ex-boarders do not speak or even think about their experiences.
2. Uncertainty that others will understand
For people who did board, there can be unspoken understanding or bond with fellow ex-boarders. But conversations can feel very difficult with people who don’t have this shared experience.
Frequently within wider society, there is an idea, largely from children’s literature, that boarding school is all midnight feasts (Malory Towers) or walking the corridors wearing an invisibility cloak after lights out (Harry Potter).
It can be hard for people to comprehend what it really feels like to be 4, 8, 11, 13 and suddenly find yourself in a dormitory, away from all that is familiar.
I’ve experienced this disconnect of understanding personally, as well as seeing it happening for people that I have worked with.
It’s also possible that even sharing that you did go to boarding school invokes an angry response that goes something like ‘I don’t understand how parents can send their children away’.
Or, a dismissive response from a fellow ex-boarder, along the lines of ‘I don’t know what your complaining about, it never did me any harm’.
3. Fear of letting the emotions out of the trunk
As quickly as trunks are unpacked of uniform and tuck, emotions are stuffed in their place, rarely seeing the light of day again, outwardly anyway.
There’s no teaching about how to regulate their emotions or given reassurance that emotions are human.
Sadly, it’s true that to show emotions in a boarding environment can often lead to being a target for bullies. And so feelings become a dangerous thing to be in possession of!
In adult life, this leads to a very real fear around opening up. It can feel safer to leave the trunk in the corner and not go near it. Avoiding the worry that if the lid is opened what might actually be in there or how other people might respond.
4. The difference between your inner and outer world
What I notice with so many ex-boarders who I have worked with over the years (and myself at times too) is that their inner emotional landscape is often very different to the confident, independent exterior that is presented to the world.
But, when the sense is that emotions are dangerous, difficult things, best avoided, the thought of even admitting to ourselves what’s really going on can be daunting. And that’s before we start to consider risking opening up to someone else.
5. Telling yourself that other people had it worse
I hear this frequently. Phrases like ‘but I wasn’t sexually abused, beaten or bullied like some people were’.
It’s heartbreaking that so many children experienced horrific abuse during their time at boarding schools. Some of which is now being spoken about more openly and in some cases there is a slow movement towards justice.
Whether or not abuse of some kind is part of your story, the impact of growing up in a boarding environment away from family, friends, pets, toys and all that is familiar is challenging for any child and can have a lasting effect.
6. Not wanting to seem ungrateful
Many ex-boarders talk of the sacrifices they were aware of or perceived that their parents made for them to go to boarding school. Schools often speak of a boarding education being a great gift to a child.
The boarder child often struggles with how to tell the truth about how they are feeling, what they are missing or how things really are for fear of being seen to reject the gift or not being grateful. Nick Duffell describes the child will usually end up feeling that he is a failure, bad and unworthy. By speaking up would only prove this to his or her parents. And what might parents do then when they have already sent the child away?
These patterns can continue into adulthood and it’s not uncommon for ex-boarders to begin to talk about their experiences after the death of a parent or parents.
Where next?
I wonder whether you recognise any of yourself or someone close to you in what I have shared? Perhaps you have your own insight into why things aren’t talked about, if you do I’d love to hear from you.
If you are finding it troublesome to find the words or to start a conversation about your experiences, I really want you to know that you don’t have to do this on your own (even though a part of you likely expects this of you!).
I work with people just like you.
Talking to a therapist can really help.
If you would like to arrange an introductory call to see how we might work together, get in touch with me.
Thanks for reading
Sarah x
