The Hidden Cost of a Boarding School Education: A Look at Boarding School Syndrome

When people think of boarding schools, images of grand buildings, Latin mottos, and children in crisp uniforms often come to mind— think Harry Potter or Malory Towers. Often linked with privilege, tradition, and academic excellence, what’s less visible is the emotional toll that some former boarders carry well into adulthood..

First coined by Psychotherapist Dr. Joy Schaverien, the term Boarding School Syndrome was used to describe a pattern of long-term psychological challenges experienced by adults who were sent away to boarding school as a child.

What is Boarding School Syndrome?

Whilst it’s not officially recognised as a psychiatric disorder, Boarding School Syndrome is an umbrella of symptoms observed in many ex-boarders. These may include:

Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships
Feeling disconnected from other people
Fear of abandonment
Fear of intimacy and vulnerability
Appearing emotionally detached
Constantly busy and unable to relax
Compulsively needing to succeed or please authority figures
Suppressed grief or anger
Never feeling good enough or living with a constant sense of shame or low self esteem
Difficulty sleeping
Addiction to substances or behaviours in order to cope
Difficulty parenting

An ex-boarder might, to the external world, appear to be confident, articulate and successful but internally many struggle with deep emotional wounds stemming from early separation from family, friends and all things familiar to them.

Early Separation: A Hidden Wound

In years gone by, children as young as 4 were sometimes sent to Boarding School. Most commonly, children would arrive at boarding school aged 8 or 11. For many the abrupt separation from parents and home comforts felt like an abandonment. The boarder child quickly learns that if they are going to survive they need to shut down their vulnerabilities because expressing homesickness, sadness or anger would be met with ridicule, punishment or a likely target for bullying, reinforcing the idea that emotions of any kind are unsafe or shameful.

Over time, this survival strategy becomes deeply embedded. The child who learns to suppress vulnerability in order to cope with separation and institutional life may grow into an adult who appears highly independent and self-sufficient. Yet beneath the surface, they may struggle with—or fear—emotional closeness and intimacy, which are the very foundations of healthy relationships. Psychologically, the early rupture from primary attachment figures can disrupt the development of secure emotional bonds, often resulting in difficulties with trust, intimacy, and emotional attunement in adulthood.

Survival vs Development

Boarding school life runs by strict timetables of activities, whether that be academic or sporting. Free time is often prescriptive and letter writing is part of the weekly schedule. Timetables are frequently rigid and done so there is little time to feel homesick or bored. There’s little room for nurturing curiosity around emotions, how to spend free time or what it means to be bored or have nothing to do.

All of this can make it difficult to be still in adulthood. Ex-boarders often gravitate to work in organisations where there is a similar rigidness in schedules and struggle with free time in the evenings, weekends or holiday. It’s not uncommon for ex-boarders to feel unable to relax and to fill every waking minute with some form of activity.

Long-term effects

Many ex-boarders don’t recognise the impact of their schooling until later in life. Events such as becoming a parent, going through a relationship breakdown, retiring or attending therapy for something seemingly unrelated can trigger old hurt.

Commonly ex-boarders inwardly grapple with things like:

Difficulty maintaining relationships
Low self esteem hiding behind perfectionism
Feeling like an imposter
Anxiety & depression
Workaholism
Emotional numbing, perhaps through alcohol or substance use or through exercise or self harm
Not truly feeling like they belong anywhere
Feeling disconnected from themselves or others
Feeling defensive or ashamed
Emotionally shutting down

Why talk about it now?

In recent years, more people have begun to talk about their experiences. There has been more attention in the media to the emotional costs of boarding schools, all of which help to break the silence one voice at a time, one story at a time.

While not all former boarders report lasting harm, and some recall their time with fondness, for many, the emotional cost of early separation has left hidden scars.

Recovering & Healing from Boarding School Syndrome

I believe that recovery starts with recognising or naming our experiences. Having our story witnessed and heard in a way that undoes the years of silencing or minimising because of the perception of privilege associated with boarding schools.

Therapy can help access suppressed grief, get to know parts of you that may have been lost and begin to develop emotionally rich relationships. Therapy can be about change but it can also be about celebrating the young child who learnt to survive. It can be about accepting patterns of behaviour and deciding which ones are still relevant and which ones we might want to tweak or change because they are no longer helpful in adult life.

Final thoughts

Ex-boarders often feel torn when considering starting therapy. It may be that a part of you remembers fun times with friends or playing a sport you loved but a part of you might also know that there are hidden scars. I believe it’s crucial to acknowledge the whole of a person’s experience, the good, the bad and the in between. By doing this, we start to open the door to healing.

Where next?

I wonder if any part of what I’ve shared resonates with you—either in your own experience or in someone close to you?

If you’re finding things difficult right now, or if you’re not sure where to begin, please know this: you don’t have to go through it alone. Even if a part of you feels like you should be able to manage on your own, that’s often just another legacy of early coping strategies.

I work with people who are navigating these very challenges, perhaps people just like you. Therapy can give you space to share your story, make sense of your experiences, and begin to heal.

If you’re curious about what working together might look like, feel free to get in touch to arrange a free introductory call. I’d love to hear from you.